How To Cut Your Own Bangs During Corona (With Pictures!)

Originally this was published in UVA's The Declaration, but I've moved it here for easier access.

---

I get it. You’re bored, spending too much time by yourself, and crave regular human interaction with people your own age. We’ve all been there, I mean we are all there... like, right now. I found out my little sister shaved her head via Instagram, so if there is a time to make questionable choices and be fully supported by those around you it is NOW. That’s why I’ve compiled this list with step by step instructions on how to cut your own bangs based on my own experience. That way you can learn from me and my mistakes. Hopefully, I won’t make any, but honestly, knowing myself, I will slightly fuck up at some point.

Side note: dying my hair a vibrant color like pink was also an extremely valid option. I decided against it because I’ve done it before in high school and I already know it looks great. With cutting my own bangs, I have the high possibility to greatly fuck up and have the world laugh at my expense. Which is the whole point? To bring us all together by laughter and also do something impulsive. 

STEP 1: Stop fantasizing about it and decide to cut your bangs. Hair is hair. It grows back. Fuck it up!

STEP 2: Check with friends to make sure you’re making a good decision. Not like… close friends that would think this is a cry for help. Think internet friends you’ve never met that will encourage your worst behavior.

STEP 3: Figure out a way to exploit your decision for creative purposes.

STEP 4: There are six main face shapes, figure out which one you have. There are bangs that best suit each type. 

STEP 5: Freak the FUCK out because you can’t objectively tell which shape your face is. Then text friends asking their opinion. 

STEP 6: Double-check your face shape with someone else (for example I checked with my editor, Annie) to make sure you get the same answer. 

STEP 7: Double check with your therapist. When she doesn’t say no, take it as confirmation that she thinks that cutting your own bangs is a great idea.  

STEP 8: Research the best type of bangs for your face shape. After the polls I took, I can objectively say mine is diamond. The internet says that if I cut thick blunt bangs that go straight across my face I should die in a fire. After looking at the options before me, I think the most appealing bangs I want to try are curtain bangs, otherwise known as the bardot fringe. 

STEP 9: Be Sober. 

STEP 10: Ahahaha fuck that I’m not a fucking cop, I’m too nervous to do this shit sober. Get some wine before Giant closes at 10pm (It was around 9:23 at the time of bang-cutting so I had to rush).

STEP 11: Drink cheap red wine and think about how much better you would look with bangs.

STEP 12: Watch a video on how to cut your own bangs in the style of your choosing. I watched this one. The instructions for how to DIY start at 1:43; up until then there’s some history about Bardot bangs. But honestly like…..we get it. Bridget Bardot was a very conventionally beautiful woman and her influence is still seen today in modern fashion. But I wanna know how to GET those god damn bangs so I skipped to the DIY part. 

STEP 13: Find some hair cutting shears like shown below. 

STEP 14: Using a fine-tooth comb, part your hair in the middle and section it off, making a triangle where you want the bangs to be. This is also the moment where I realized I did NOT have a fine-tooth comb but honestly, I was in too deep and I felt like it was too late to stop. I had already committed myself to this plan. I was going down with this ship. I also realized I did not have hair-parting puns so I used hair ties. There are also these things called thinning/texturizing shears that are recommended but I didn’t have those either. 

It should kinda look like the picture below but better because hopefully you have a fine-tooth comb and aren’t trying to part your hair with your hand. Also, you should have pins to part your hair, like…the hair ties I used worked, I guess (???), I just want your bangs to actually look good.

STEP 15: Grab those scissors baby and then put them back down to stall for a hot minute. Send a message to The Declaration GroupMe to avert possible blame to Annie (the Editor-in-Chief) if you fuck up. Side note: Annie was the one who liked the messages so it is my understanding that she fully accepts any negative consequences to my actions that night.

STEP 16: Hold one side in your hand at an angle so that the hair up top is shorter than the bottom. Cut at this angle. It is better to give it a lot of space because you can always trim, but growing it out takes longer. Then, you can feather it by holding it in the same position and lightly cutting into the hair. 

Of note: My “shears” were really small and apparently I have THICK hair that they can’t cut through. So, I ended up going into the kitchen and getting a big-ass pair of regular scissors. I’m starting to think the whole concept of “shears” is an elitist social construct wherein “shears” are really just scissors that don’t work as well. 

STEP 18: Look at the hair collected and have an anxiety attack. Then realize looks are fleeting and meaningless in the grand scheme of life. Proceed. 

STEP 19: Before repeating on the other side, take the smallest cut portion of the previous side and use that as the basis for measuring where you should angle/cut the current side. 

STEP 20: Look at the hair you have cut off and apologize. 

STEP 21: Do to your hair what you could never do to yourself: straighten it so it can fit in. 

STEP 22: Even your hair out. Put one hand on each side, and pull the ends (longest bit) and compare. Cut it so it’s the same length. 

STEP 23: Even your bangs out. Pull the shortest ends out and make sure they’re the same length. 

STEP 24: Look down at your chest and floor of the bathroom and see all the mini hairs you’ve discarded along the way. Wipe it off and sweep it up. Apparently hair gets everywhere and it’s ok!

STEP 25: Look at yourself for a long time. This is a decision you made. It is your body. Your face.

STEP 26: Wait, hold up…am I hot?? Holy shit how did I not mess this up.

Conclusion: Cut your own bangs!!!!!!!